It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling with confidence.
From the outside, everyone else seems to be “doing life” just fine - chasing goals, knowing who they are, staying on top of things. But inside, it can feel different. Maybe you question yourself constantly, replay conversations, or feel unsure of what you really want. You might compare yourself to others and wonder, “Why can’t I just get it together?” If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many women come to therapy with quiet self-doubt, anxiety, and a longing to feel more at ease in themselves. And what often surprises them is this: confidence isn’t a feeling we have to chase - it’s a practice we learn to tend.
Confidence Isn’t a Feeling - It’s a Practice We often imagine confidence as something solid and constant - a sense of certainty that never wavers. But in truth, confidence ebbs and flows. It’s less about being sure of yourself all the time, and more about returning to yourself when you feel unsure. You might think of it like a garden.
Your values are the soil - they give your growth meaning and depth.
Your experiences and affirmations are the seeds - they need repetition and care to take root.
Your inner critics are like weeds - they’ll always appear, but you can learn to notice and gently pull them back.
And your self-compassion and boundaries are the sunlight and water - essential for anything to grow. When we approach self-esteem as something we cultivate, not something we possess, it becomes softer, kinder, and more real.
Your Nervous System Isn’t the Enemy Much of what we call “low self-esteem” is shaped by something deeper and older - our nervous system’s protective reflexes. When life feels uncertain or when we sense potential rejection, our body reacts as though it’s unsafe. That can show up as overthinking, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or freezing. These responses aren’t proof that something is wrong with you - they’re signs your body is doing its best to protect you. You can’t always control these reflexes, but you can begin to name them and spot them. That gentle awareness helps shift things from automatic reaction to choice. Confidence grows not by forcing ourselves to “be braver,” but by understanding how our system has learned to keep us safe - and slowly building trust that we can handle more than we think.
The Weight of Comparison and Self-Blame So many women tell me, “Other people have it so much worse than me, I shouldn’t feel like this,” or “Everyone else seems to manage, why can’t I?” But comparison and self-blame only deepen the ache. They pull you further from compassion and connection - both with yourself and with others. What’s often underneath those thoughts is a longing to feel safe, capable, and enough. When you notice yourself comparing, try pausing to ask, “What might this feeling be showing me about what I need?” Sometimes comparison is less about envy and more about yearning - for rest, meaning, love, or a sense of belonging.
Watering Your Own Roots Healing your self-esteem isn’t about becoming a different person. It’s about learning to care for the person you already are. Like any garden, growth happens quietly and gradually. Some seasons are about blooming; others are about resting or clearing space. What matters most is your relationship with yourself as you tend to it - how gently you speak to yourself, how you set boundaries, how you allow sunlight in. If you’re beginning to notice how self-doubt or comparison shape your daily life, therapy can be a space to slow down, listen, and reconnect with your own rhythm. You don’t have to do it alone. You’re warmly welcome to reach out if this resonates - together, we can explore how to build self-esteem as woman and begin learning to trust yourself again.